When I’m an Eccentric Millionaire…

I will pick one underling I dislike and insist when they say “Mr. Daw” that they must “call me Ishmael.”

Publicly I will look at them strangely when they do it, but privately I will insist that I am deadly serious about this.

When I am an eccentric millionaire…

I will encourage the teen “Visigoth” scene where they dress in rags and occasionally sack Rome, Georgia. Strangely their favorite band will still be Nine Inch Nails.

That’s right. Today brings you no closer to a full imagining of the wonderful world where I am an eccentric millionaire. And it isn’t because I don’t love you anymore (Though honestly things have been a bit strained around the house lately. Maybe if you’d dress up for me a little, you know, show some effort.) it’s because nobody donated yesterday. In fact nobody has donated the last few days and it was a five dollar weekly donation that saved you from this fate heretofore.

“But David,” I hear you saying “I am only one [(circle all that apply) man/woman/internaut/noble ape] and I have already donated money!” Yes my friend, and I thank you for that. Monitarily you have been all the reader I could dream of and more. The problem is that all of the other people as far thinking with their disposable income as you are not looking at this website. And this is where you can help me. Statistics show that 100% of Everyonegivemeonedollar.com readers are wicked awesome. Being the wonderful and influential person that you are you must in fact have other awesome acquaintances who aren’t yet familiar with the site. If my pyramid scheme blog is ever to succeed they should, nay must, hear about it.

So please, write a post about me on your blog. Shamelessly post about me on your MySpace. Pick your favorite post and digg it or stumble it or whatever content voting site the kids are using these days. Do whatever you can to make sure that everyone gives me one dollar, and in return I’ll keep providing you high quality wealth based entertainment. And maybe I’ll get you that necklace you’ve had your eye on. Yeah I saw you looking at it, so buck up.

When I am an eccentric millionaire…

I will start a new chain restaurant called “The Jimmy Buffet.” The lawsuit will be part of the fun.

When I am an eccentric millionaire…

I will institute a nationwide game of tag with a TV camera constantly following the person that’s it.

When I am an eccentric millionaire…

I will sponsor a hip-hop concert and then come out on stage halfway though and yell

“Where my Hemingway fans at?”

When I am an eccentric millionaire…

I will sometimes end meetings by saying “I’m sorry Gentleman, I’m just not feeling it. Maybe if you mustached it up a little.” I will then put on a fake mustache and walk out of the conference room.

When I am an eccentric millionaire…

I will hit on women exclusively by hiring someone to dress up as a video game villain and kidnap them. I will then dress in a thematically appropriate costume, rescue them, and ask them out.

When I am an eccentric millionaire…

I will break all ties in hiring decisions by having the applicants compete in laser tag.

When I am an eccentric millionaire…

I will sneak the following essay question onto every possible standardized test.

You are at a bar, looking for someone to take home. What is the best way for you to go about finding them if you are looking for…

Girls who are boys
Who like boys to be girls
Who do boys like theyre girls
Who do girls like theyre boys?

Please remember: Always should be someone you really love.

SHOW YOUR WORK!